Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: TRANSFORMERS – THE LAST KNIGHT

There is so much to say about this film I don’t even know where to start. I think I’ll start by saying that people need to stop bitching about Zack Snyder. Although people think Zack Snyder is a sub par director who only knows how to shoot action and doesn’t care about storyline, plot, acting, etc., etc., etc., need to shift their focus to director Michael Bay.  Snyder is at least trying. Batman V Superman doesn’t even really have all that much action in it. He tried he best to tell a interesting tale about two clashing superhero’s and to many people he failed spectacularly. Bay doesn’t care about anything except shots and what looks cool? Good acting? Fuck it. Good story? Fuck it. Logistics? Fuck it. Realism? Fuck it. That should be Bay’s motto, “fuck it.” At least it should be for the Transformers films. Why he keeps doing them is beyond me, especially since after everyone he says he’s done but ends up coming back anyway. He has only done two original films since the first Transformers film back a decade ago, Pain & Gain and 13 Hours, which those are actually halfway decent. I just think Paramount is afraid to hire anyone else because they are afraid that no one can shoot action like him. Paramount, forget the fucking action and bring us a cool entertaining story. Because with each Transformers sequel, Bay just keeps remaking the first film over and over again. Cinematic, STD bukake that just doesn’t work anymore. TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT, while better than Age of Extinction and Revenge of the Fallen, is still a colossal sized piece of shit.

I am going to explain the plot to you like I would to a five year old, without getting into any specifics, and I will have described each Transformers film: Some object/weapon/thing/what-have-you can either help Earth or destroy it, whether it is in the hands of the Autobots or Decepticons. Yep. That’s about it. Do I need to explain to you that the object this time is an alien staff that was supposedly used by fucking Merlin in Medieval times? Nope. And if you laughed thinking about that, you had the same reaction I had watching it unfold in the theater. Bay even has Merlin be a drunkard that talks like a 17 year old trying to score some smack in a side alley next to his local 7-11. Do I need to tell you that Mark Wahlberg is picked by an ancient Transformer to be the last Knight to help find this staff and save Earth? Nope. Did you laugh at that too? Or that his love interest in this film is a woman that happens to be a direct descendant of Merlin that is the only human that can touch and wield the staff? Now you have probably keeled over in your chair laughing. Combine all that with drones that are a complete rip off of Tie Fighters in the Star Wars films, a butler droid to Anthony Hopkins character that is a sociopathic rip off of C-3P0 from the Star Wars Films (at least they do admit this in the film), and some kind of Transformer submarine that finds a giant alien ship in the ocean that for some reason nobody has ever found, with a finale that wait, get this, takes place mostly in the air instead of the ground this time, and you have Transformers 5.

It truly is laughable. But what is also interesting is that Bay cannot excite me with his action shots anymore. With this film and the last, I have actually almost nodded off several times, looking at my watch, desperate for this movie to end. Sure, everything looks very pretty. I do not deny that Michael Bay knows how to shoot stuff and make everything very pretty. But that is all he can do. Bay is not a storyteller. He is a commercial hack director that only cares about style over substance, and that the style eventually leads to a hefty paycheck. There are rumors that he might direct Bad Boys 3, and while I love what he did with 1 and 2, this time, I hope that the studio finds someone else.

This is all over the place. Especially with false marketing too. The early previews made it seem like it was going to tell a new story about a young orphaned girl that had a cute little sidekick broken Transformer that went along the entire ride, a new heroine, and that Mark Wahlberg would just be along for the ride to add some familiarity to the Transformers universe. Wrong. It starts out that way, but then the girl is abandoned for the rest of the film, until the very end when her little sidekick robot is really needed, and the film becomes entirely Mark Wahlberg’s. And Mark Wahlberg does what he can with the script. I am sure he was just doing this movie as a favor because him and Bay are like really good buddies now. But even though Wahlberg does what he can, he still looks like he doesn’t want to be there. John Tutorro is also in the film for absolutely no reason whatsoever other than to add familiarity to the project, Wahlberg’s love interest played by Laura Haddock, is just ass and cleavage eye candy to Michael Bay’s camera, and Josh Duhamel is trying to save his career even though someone needs to tell him it’s already over.

You can’t distinguish any of the Transformers between one another because they all have the same fucking personality. Even Optimus Prime sucks now. And by the way, he’s hardly in the film either until the very end. Bumblebee is the only interesting Transformer anymore and they are probably going to ruin it with this projected spin off. Now I need to get to Anthony Hopkins, who just gave us an incredible performance in Westworld. What the fuck was in Hopkins brain when he decided to take on this role, I have no idea, but he looks like he was smoking crack throughout the whole thing, and the only one that looked like he was having nonsensical fun on the set. Yelling at people, cursing like a sailor, and just being weird, Anthony Hopkins was the only half way entertaining part about Transformers.

And what the fuck is with the marketing calling this the end of the Bay franchise? It did look like the wrapped everything up, and I signed with happiness, until a after credit sequence completely fucked everything up to make it seem like there will be another sequel and that Bay might just suck it up and do it again because, “it is his baby.” Does Bay not realize that every single ending of his film is the same? Where the object that both the Autobots and Decpticons want is in the little area and there is this battle to get to that area and steal that object. It’s the exact same ending as Dark of the Moon, except that it is in the sky and not in the ground.

Transformers: The Last Knight is a terrible fucking movie. Terrible. It rapes all of childhood’s over and over again, and Michael Bay is just laughing as he fucks us all to death.  He thinks he is fucking us pretty but instead we don’t even blow the rape whistle anymore because we are THAT bored with it. I can’t believe Hasbro keep endorsing his shit. But then again, they endorsed the God awful, Battleship movie, so I guess if the money keep coming in they’ll endorse whatever makes money. Fuck you Michael Bay. Fuck you.

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