Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE SPY WHO DUMPED ME (no spoilers, sneak preview)

THE SPY WHO DUMPED ME really comes out this coming Friday, August 3rd, but it had a nationwide sneak preview Friday night. Sneak previews like this always mean one of two things. Either the movie is really really really good, but they don’t think the general public will be interested in it, so a sneak preview allows them to get some advanced word of mouth…or…the movie is so fucking bad that they hope the modern audience members who don’t know any better laugh at the stupid shit that might as well been written by immature 17 year old and then will falsely spread a false good of mouth to other modern audience members who don’t know any better, getting trapped in the mediocrity. So, if my second explanation on the “sneak preview” is longer than the first, where do you think my opinion lies? In reality, there is a secret option C that combines explanation #2 with the fact that one of the best films of the year to also out this weekend is also in the spy genre. So anybody seeing Fallout Thursday night or Friday during the day, needing more of a spy genre fix, go and see the sneak preview. Boy…how much of a mistake my wife and I made with that decision?

Mission Impossible Fallout is one of the best films of the year. The Spy Who Dumped Me is one of the worst. It is a hour and a half of unfunny stupid scenes upon really unfunny stupid scenes that basically just contain Mila Kunis and Kate McKinnon screaming in a bunch of different weird ways, hoping one of them will make you laugh if they add the sentence, “what the fuck is going on?!” If you thought Kate McKinnon was weird in the Ghostbusters reboot/remake or unbearable in Rough Night, she takes the cake in this movie, and is the most Godly unfunny annoying character she has ever been. I’m wondering if she is really only funny on Saturday Night Live, and everything else she is in you kind of just want to chop your ears off and stab your eyes out. Even in the new episode of Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee, she doesn’t seem like she has an off switch, and was painfully unfunny in that as well. I still think she is very deserving of those Emmy’s she has won for SNL, and I find her funny and delightful on that show, so maybe it is just that the material on SNL is better than anything she has done so far movie wise, but she’s getting awfully close to how sick I was of Melissa McCarthy in the few projects she had after Bridesmaids.

In fact, speaking of Melissa McCarthy, this movie tries so hard to be Paul Feig’s SPY, but doesn’t even come close to any of the laughs that film had to offer. The movie is about Mila Kunis, who gets dumped by Justin Theroux, and her best friend Kate McKinnon tries to console her, so they decide to burn his personal items left over at her place. He is involved in this really dumb and terribly shot opening action sequence, and when he gets the text that she’s burning his shit, he calls her telling her not to (mainly because that McGuffin is one of those items), and he’ll come back and apologize and explain everything Two CIA agents, one played by that main guy from Outlander, explaining that he is a spy and he is involved on a dangerous mission and bad guys might be after her to. Then the bad guys do come after her, and both her and her friend are internationally on the run. Yada yada yada, Gillian Anderson is wasted as the CIA boss, yada yada yada, can’t trust anyone, yada yada yada, terrible fucking third act.

The plot is so stupid, and it seems like the writers of this and Skyscraper teamed up and somehow came up with the exact same ultimate McGuffin, both contained on a thumb drive. Only this movie tries to be funny and have the thumb drive being shoved up both of their vaginas to keep it away from the bad guys. Are we not past shoving shit up the butt and vagina jokes? The last funny one was maybe Girl’s Trip and only God knows the funny one before that. The movie is rated R, but honestly would have had the exact same effect if it were PG-13, and all of the F words were taken out and it didn’t show a really stupid sight gag of a male characters dick and balls. The exact same effect being not funny. Everything in the movie is highly predictable, and every single character in the movie is really really dumb and stupid.

Mila Kunis doesn’t play anyone new either, she’s as if Jackie from That 70s show was thrown in a shitty R rated comedy. Please for the love of God skip this movie when it comes out August 3rd. I normally am a wannabe critic that says to please still see whatever you want even if I give it a bad review, but like this year’s A Wrinkle In Time, this is just so bad that I can’t do that this time. If you were really looking forward to it and still really want to see it, wait for a Netflix drop of it or until it is rentable for only $1. You’ll only find this funny if you thought that I Feel Pretty or Life of the Party was funny. Just really unfunny writing, with unfunny performances, with people trying to scream at each other for laughs. Forget about having to dump this film, this wouldn’t even get a 2nd date.

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