Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE EMOJI MOVIE

It has taken me a long time to write a review for THE EMOJI MOVIE because I needed to let it sink in how unnecessary and offensive this movie is. And it isn’t offensive in how you think I mean. It is offensive to the human race. You know the movie Idiocracy? And how every year, whenever shit goes bad or dumb, we go, “Oh shit, Idiocracy is becoming a reality!” And remember that movie that is in Idiocracy called Butt, and that it won a bunch of Academy Awards including best picture? Yeah, The Emoji Movie is our real version of the fictional movie Butt. And the movie inches us ever closer to the fictional reality that was Idiocracy. The Emoji Movie just dumbs down and packages how human beings are today and how they shouldn’t be. Emotionless zombies that spend wayyyy too much time on their phone when we should be having real human interactions.

And there are too many God damn movies about inanimate objects with feelings. We can blame Pixar for that, but at least Pixar does it (most but not all of the time) with some artistic dignity (this is a Sony Pictures animated film, not Disney). I mean, we have Cars that have feelings, Planes that have feelings, Toys that have feelings, and thanks to Inside Out, we have feelings that have feelings! And now, we as a human race, have sunk to a new low, FUCKING EMOJIS THAT HAVE FEELINGS, because, because, get it, Emojis are expressions of feelings? HAHA…HAHAHAHAHAHA…oh so clever and hilarious Sony Animation, did you think of that all by yourself? The movie is offensive by displaying a movie that pokes fun of, but also encourages our zombie like behavior.

I mean look at the plot. A emoji who is supposed to be “meh” actually has multiple feelings of expression. He fucks up expression wise when the teenage owner of the phone accidentally sends a weird fucked up emoji that has one multiple expression to a girl that he likes (because he can’t not be a pussy and just go up and talk to her). So now the race is on between higher up emoji’s to get rid of “meh” and prove that the phone is not defective before the teenager takes the phone to the store and have everything deleted.

Seriously, who gives a shit? I did not care about anybody (even the pussy teenager) in the movie, because not only did it encourage the stupid behavior teenagers have today, but EMOJIS ARE FUCKING EMOJIS, THEY AREN’T FUCKING REAL AND NEVER WILL BE! And I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: “Wait, Zach, didn’t you love Inside Out, Toy Story, and all those other inanimate object movies that have feelings (except Cars, screw those)?” Good point. The difference between this movie and all those others is that Disney mostly knows what they are doing. They make a hell of a story with each one, has likable characters that have real actual dreams, thoughts, emotions, that are subject to real life zombie like behavior, and all the jokes usually hit on the bullseye.

The jokes in this are so obvious that they completely miss the target, and probably aren’t even in the same game arena. We get it, Patrick Stewart is Poop (he’s hardly in this by the way). There have got to be some clever poop jokes other than, “hey, Dad, should we wash our hands?” after going to the bathroom and then when something goes wrong Patrick Stewart yells, “Holy S-” and then it is cut off. I’ll give it to the voice acting though, they tried their hardest and did their damndest, nobody phoned it in. T.J. Miller (making the awful mistake of leaving Silicon Valley) tries really hard here and does a good job as meh but I don’t care about his character enough to give a poop.

The movie isn’t the worst animated film I have ever seen, but it is one that I will never ever watch again. The best thing about this movie is the Hotel Transylvania short called “Puppy!” before the movie. It actually elicited a few laughs from me and was cute. I don’t know who this movie is for. I can tell you that anyone over the age of 25 is probably going to hate this thing. But as I walked out of the theater, I heard 6, 9, and even 13 year old saying that the movie was “boring,” “not funny,” “or a waste of time.” Even a 17 year old jumped up after the movie ended screaming “Oh my God, best movie ever, bring on that bullshit called Emoji 2!” (he was being sarcastic by the way). So judging by the reactions I saw, this MAY entertain your infant to toddler, but anyone past the age of 6 will probably #notgiveapoop.

 

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