Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: KIDNAP

We will get to the travesty of The Dark Tower in a moment, but my real first question is what happened to Halle Berry’s career? She won an Oscar for Monster’s Ball, and had some minor success as Storm in the X-Men films, but she went off and did Catwoman, Gothika, The Call, Perfect Stranger, Movie 43, and you see what I’m getting at now don’t ya? I actually think she is quite a talented actress. And she’s really the only really really bright spot in KIDNAP, a movie that was filmed 3 years ago and should’ve been a Netflix original. It feels like a Netflix film, with low production value, a quick runtime, and just enough cheese to not warrant a theatrical release, but here it is. It’s a decent Netflix watch, but a very mediocre way to spend your box office bucks. At least I enjoyed it more than The Dark Tower.

Also, why in the fucking fuck is this film Rated R? I just used two F words to prove a point. I have now said fuck twice more now than the movie used, and the film has less violence than 10 seconds in one episode of The Walking Dead. Maybe they thought they would have a bunch of teenagers having heart attacks in the theater if they rated it PG-13? No clue, but this isn’t rated R at all, in fact, there were 10 to 16 year olds in the theater asking the same questions once the movie let out.

Plot? Kidnappers kidnap Halle Berry’s child and she witnesses it and as a determined mother she actually goes after the kidnappers before she loses sight of them. That’s it. There are no plot twists (they try and sneak a stupid meaningless one at the very end) an the criminals are dumb, cut and dry, country over the top redneck, and unmemorable. At least the movie doesn’t really waste anytime getting everything moving, but a lot of the movie is Halle Berry sitting in a car looking worried and stressed out, which she does very well.

The criminals make dumb decisions, Halle Berry makes dumb decisions, the filmmakers make dumb decisions, the action is cheap and hackneyed. Look, you’ve seen this film a million times, and done a million different better ways. It isn’t unwatchable, in fact it kept my attention, but this film isn’t anything special and you’ll forget it exists in 3 days. But why is Halle Berry choosing these scripts? She is so much better than this material, we’ve seen it, and we see it here. She looks like she is still in her 30s (she’s 50) and can act her way out of a paper bag, is it that Hollywood doesn’t want to give her anything else? Is she hard to work with? *shrugs*

The film didn’t kidnap my time. I don’t regret watching it, I just wish I had on Netflix and not spent what I pay for Netflix in a month in a 82 minute period. It doesn’t waste anytime at least and there aren’t any slow parts. Honestly, I would probably be shitting all over this film if it weren’t for having to sit through an adaptation of one of my favorite books royally shit on. Netflix only, don’t spend your money.

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