Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: HANDSOME – A NETFLIX MYSTERY MOVIE

Well, that is the absolute last time I finish and publish my Worst of List before it hits 12:01 am on 1/1/whateverthefuck. Because if I could go and re do it, HANDSOME: A NETFLIX MYSTERY MOVIE would be close to the top of my worst of 2017 list and maybe even given mother! a run for its money. This film is probably the worst thing Netflix Original Programming has ever put out. I have seen worse things on Netflix, however they didn’t produce the worse stuff that I’ve seen, just some old “catalogue straight to video along time ago movies” that Netflix probably got cheap to put on their platform. This film ultimately just baffles me. It baffles me how Jeff Garlin, a comedian I love on The Goldbergs and Curb Your Enthusiasm, co-wrote, directed, and starred in this piece of shit. It baffles me how I was bored on a short hour and 21 minute run time. It baffles me how the movie isn’t even a mystery at all because of some stupid thing the movie does right before it goes to opening credits. It’s the most baffling piece of shit film of 2017 (not 2018).

The film, in its very first scene before the official credits roll, has one of the actors of the film introduce himself, and he says that he plays the killer in the movie. What I thought of as a nice little rouse and what may have been a joke to lure the audience off track…turns out…nope. That guy is the killer, he’s telling the truth. Was it supposed to be funny? The point of a fucking mystery/detective movie is for the audience to guess who, what, where, when, and why. If you reveal it at the beginning, you are showing the audience all of your cards, so why do you expect them to care about the rest of the film. Usually when a film reveals the killer, it still may offer some nice twists and turns and ultimately gives you a reason why they didn’t keep the killer a mystery. Not here. There isn’t anything else offered. No twists, turns, or laughs.

The film is about a detective that tries to make sense of his life and those around him while trying to solve crimes. A chopped up woman corpse ends up in the front yard of a celebrity, and he’s on the case. It sounds generic right? Well it is. The film tries to go for awkward, weird, dead-pan comedy, and it just doesn’t work. I didn’t laugh once. Did Jeff Garlin feel like this was funny when he was writing this? He must’ve been the only one, I don’t even think Netflix read the script, just green lit it because they got original programming from the guy that is always fantastic on The Goldbergs and Curb Your Enthusiasm. I mean they basically follow the go to book of detective comedy that has been done too many times before. Detectives having sex with suspects jokes, cops are fat jokes, red herring jokes, cops boss being mean but really being sexually attracted to them jokes, the works. None of it works, and even though I have a stop button on my controller, I decided to stick it to the end to write this review.

What disappoints me is that I saw several ways the mystery could go to make it a little bit interesting and I could partially forgive the stupid comedy. But it doesn’t take any. It takes that scene from the very beginning of the actor that says he is the killer in the movie, and makes it so, rendering the whole experience absolutely pointless. The direction is boring point and shoot drivel. The acting sucks, with Natasha Lyonne as Jeff Garlin’s partner not giving a shit anymore. Only Garlin’s next door neighbor Christine Woods brings any type of humanity to the film. Usually I write about six paragraphs per movie review, but I’m so fed up with this movie that I’m stopping right about…now.

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