Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: FERDINAND

FARTINAND….oh, excuse me…FERDINAND is one of the most blandest, boring, not funny, and at times too dark for a childrens movie I have seen in the past decade. You may think I’m throwing shade at a film that came out the same weekend as The Last Jedi and I’m still pissed at “modern audiences” for not liking it, but let me tell you one thing: my wife LOVES children’s films and even at the most mediocre of ones she can find a way to like and enjoy them. Even SHE THOUGHT THE MOVIE WAS BORING AND BLAND AND AT POINTS TOO DARK FOR CHILDREN. So yeah, what we are dealing with here is a failure to communicate a good holiday children (Just go see Coco) film that is fun for the whole family and doesn’t treat the audience as if they were idiots.

Blue Sky Studios, which are owned by 20th Century Fox and made the mediocre Ice Age films (this is pre Disney), aren’t even trying. There has to be a good Ferdinand movie out there somewhere where these screenplay writers and directors aren’t lazy as a stoner and don’t care what kind of product they put out as long as it is by a certain deadline. This movie has absolutely no wit, no uniqueness, no charm, no clever humor, nothing. I even went to the bathroom during the middle of the film just to find an excuse to get out of this glob of manure for a minute and a half (yes, I washed my hands). At one point during the middle of the film, I looked around the theater because there were a lot of kids at the movie, and half of them were asleep, and the other half were bugging the shit out of their parents, not looking at the screen.

And this movie is dark as all get out. I am going to get into spoilers here because I need to prove how dark this film is. So you’ve been warned, skip to the next paragraph if you are actually dumb enough to want to see this movie. Ok, first off, it’s about Ferdinand not wanting to be a bull during a matador fight. You all know that every single bull never wins a matador fight right? And that they are usually stuck between the eyes in the end with a sword to kill them? Well, the movie shows a bunch of bulls pictures with their cut off horns attached to them, and Ferdinand at that point realizes that no bull’s ever win the matador fight. At the end of the film, come on, you know that Ferdinand survives, right before the matador decides not to kill him (Ferdinand actually makes him look like an idiot in the fight), he points the sword right between Ferdinand’s eyes. Yeah, if my kid was a couple of years older I wouldn’t want him seeing that shit. Also, when a couple of the bulls are deemed not worthy of bullfighting, they are sent to the chop house, and they even call it the chop house and realizes they are being sent there to be turned into food. When the bulls are put on the trailer to the chop house, when the gate is lifted it shows the bulls face only and the rest of the picture shows what chops of meat they are going to get out of the bull. They do this to try and make a joke out of one of the bulls thinking he is going to fight the matador for glory. And needless to say the joke did not work with me or our audience.

I wouldn’t rather seen a movie with the girl that gets Ferdinand at the beginning on some weird adventure than this weirder freaking matador “will he or won’t he fight” type of plot that was dark and didn’t make much sense at all. I mean the film introduces three horses that have a German accident for absolutely no reason whatsoever. The movie is completely predictable in every plot thread and every line of dialogue. The little three hedgehog’s are annoying and not funny at all and the other bulls have cliched stupid personalities with weird accents.

The only two good parts of the film are John Cena voicing Ferdinand and Kate McKinnon voicing his goat friend. You can tell that Cena and McKinnon are professionals and were really trying to give their characters some depth and personality. The rest of the movie is utter garbage and one of the worst films of the year. The film is definitely not appropriate for kids under 10 I think, with all the death themes wise, so the real question is: who is this film meant for? The answer: it shouldn’t have been made. I came to watch a film about a bull voiced by John Cena in a cute little adventure filled with wonder and laughs. What I got was bullshit.

 

 

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