Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: A WRINKLE IN TIME (spoiler free)

A WRINKLE IN TIME sucks my 31 year old wrinkly balls. Sorry to be so inhumane with my first sentence, but it is the most boring movie of 2018 so far, and I couldn’t think of anything wittier to say other than I want my time back and straightened or some Back To The Future reference I’ve already done a million times before. I saw this film yesterday, and while I haven’t been reading the reviews online of the film, I just saw that it was sitting between 30 and 45% on Rotten Tomatoes, which isn’t good, and I had read a summary from a audience who saw an advance screening that said it was a misfire. I can now confirm those reports. But I’m going to go one better and say it was a HUGE misfire. Constantly I was muttering under my breath during the movie asking myself, “what the fuck is this?” and “this is the most absurd world building I have ever seen.” Add to that I almost fell asleep a few times.

So a girl and her adopted brother go searching for their father, who has been missing for four years but is believed to maybe have crossed time and space using frequencies of the mind. A kid friend from school also comes along and they run into three, I guess, spiritual light guides played by Oprah, Reese Witherspoon, and Mindy Kaling, and then they cross time and space to find the girl and young son’s father. They of course run into obstacles and a faceless darkness is after them as well. This sounds like it could’ve been an ultra uber cool trippy science fiction film for Disney, but it turns out it is about as bad as their recent renditions to do live action Alice In Wonderland films. I have asked several of my friends who have read the book and also have seen the movie what they thought, and they said while adaptation is pretty close, the book, with its words, descriptions and more depth to its characters, is so so so much better.

I hope so, because this movie does not make me want to read the book at all. Everything about it, including the visuals are just bland. No wonder Disney has been pushing the hell out of this for months, because they realized the end product wasn’t so good but that they have a fantastic marketing team. I really wanted to see this film, the trailers intrigued me, so did the cast, and the fact that Ava DuVernay was just coming off the really great film Selma a couple of years ago, everything pointed to success. But it sucked. All of it. The acting, the way everything was represented. I don’t know if it was everyone being lazy, trying to hard, a bit of both, or that Ava’s vision was just not in the right place of her mind, body, or heart.

It really is that boring. My wife was really wanting to see this film, and even she was almost bored to tears. The film has a great message, don’t get me wrong. But the message is muddled in really crappy visuals and really weird uneven world building. The world and mythological building is so weird in this I kind of want to read the book just to make sure that I understand it and that it actually makes sense when explained written down on paper. In the movie, since it isn’t the book, it has to visually and mentally connect with you to understand what is going on. DuVernay doesn’t do a good job of it at all. She has pieces here and there, but none of the pieces do a good job of explaining anything or adding up to anything, nothing fits. Here are these three supernatural beings of light that can transcend space and time, deal with it or go home. I wish I would’ve got up out of my seat before half way thru and done the latter.

The acting sucks too. Oprah seems bored, and the way her character is framed and is certain sizes and does certain things, she doesn’t seem to be with the rest of the cast the entire time (even though she is near), and green screened almost all of her scenes in. Is she really that busy and not have enough time to join the cast on set that it resorted to that? Reese Witherspoon plays just a variation on Elle from Legally Blonde and Mindy Kaling is well…Mindy. The child actors fare no better, as Storm Reid has one constant facial expression the entire film, Zach Gilifinakis is hardly in there but is still just playing his weird self, and Levi Miller seems to be just reading his lines because he isn’t given much to do and is just standing there (and I know Levi Miller can act, just watch Better Watch Out. That’s right, I’m plugging a great Christmas horror movie that is much better than this piece of crap Disney film).

The only three that do half way decent is Chris Pine (who is hardly in the film), Gugu Mbatha-Raw (who is hardly in the film and really only has one scene to sort of shine), and the adopted brother played by Deric McCabe. A little more of him would’ve been better. But this whole movie just, blows. I’m sorry it does. It seems as though Prequel George Lucas directed it, with some uninspired green screen visuals, lack of characterization, and utter nonsense. This is one of Disney’s biggest misfires in recent memory other than the Alice In Wonderland live action films. It is a huge disappointment, and right now stands as my most personal biggest disappointment of the year and the worst film of 2018 so far. That’s right, worse than Winchester, The 15:17 to Paris, Fifty Shades Freed, or my next review, Strangers 2.

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