Tag Archives: Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews


Let me give you a word of warning: so far, before this Pirates movie, I have only thought the first one was fantastic. Dead Man’s Chest is only half a good movie, At World’s End feels like a disappointing remake of Matrix Revolutions, and At Stranger Tides is frankly a piece of absolute shit. So when I say that PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN – DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES is the best Pirates film since the first one, and the only other one I actually enjoyed immensely…you know I have to be telling the truth.  In fact when you wake up early on the weekend to make a 9 am showing like I did, and the movie captivated you the entire time, you know that you won’t make that movie swab the poop deck of your mind.

What the movie does well is try to be it’s own adventure. I know that On Stranger Tides did as well, but On Stranger Tides completely relied on Johnny Depp to bring the whole movie together, and it failed completely. It didn’t try to make you care about Ian McShane or Penelope Cruz’s character, and the Tree of Life MacGuffin was used so stupidly I can’t even fucking remember why they wanted to find it in the first place. I guess to live forever? Which if I wanted to watch a movie that pulls that off I’ll just stick The Last Crusade in my Blu-Ray player again. This MacGuffin, the Trident of Poseidon, actually has different purposes, not just for one character, but for ALL of the characters, where you actually want them to reach the goal because the goal is extremely important to the plot.

And while some people might think it is lazy writing, the film introduces new characters that have to do with past Pirates characters that we care about, so it actually has us default to care about them a little bit. But their acting also works as well. Brendon Thwaites and Kyra Scadder…(I’m not looking up how to spell her name so I’ll say the girl from The Maze Runner movies) are actually quite good in this and bring some chops that were missing from Ian MacShane and Penelope Cruz from the last adventure. The film also does a great job by not just relying on Johnny Depp to bring the movie together. He is there a lot, but the film gives equal time to the other characters so we don’t get sick of Depp’s performance like we did with On Stranger Tides. I also like that there are really two MacGuffin’s in this film, where the black compass that we have seen Depp with throughout all the movies, has an interesting role to play.

And I’ll get this also out of the way. Yes, you get to see Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly in this, but just a warn of warning, one character gets about 5 minutes of screentime, and the other maybe two minutes, so don’t rely on their nostalgia to make you like the film. I would be also remiss if I didn’t mention that the action sequences in this movie are all pretty awesome. Yes, you get the cool ship pirate battles with cannon balls galore but this film has so much more fun stuff in it. You get a great sequences of not just a bank safe but an entire bank building being dragged through a town, a cool sequence with zombie dead sharks trying to keep two of our heroes, and the finale (I don’t want to spoil it here) is the most memorable of all 5 movies, with incredible set design and special effects. Yes, it is even better than the finale of the first film.

Also, the movie finally had some balls on some of the fates of the characters. It managed to course correct one fate of a character I didn’t care with what they did with him/her in the last couple of films, and not everyone survives this journey, which I appreciated (everything can’t all be happy and hunky dory). Also, Javiar Bardem makes the next best villain since Geoffrey Rush in the original. I never really cared for Ian MacShane or Davy Jones in the other sequels. Be sure to stay through the entire credits for an extra important scene possibly setting up the next film (although I kind of don’t like what they might be doing) that gives two important characters one or two more minutes of screen time.

But I really really really enjoyed this Pirates film, and I can’t see why critics aren’t enjoying this one as well, especially when they enjoyed the so-so Dead Man’s Chest and meh-meh At World’s End. This movie is entertainment in spades and will definitely check this out again. Maybe I liked it so much because On Stranger Tides is one of the biggest pieces of shit at the bottom of the adventure ocean. But this film gets a promotion, and is nowhere near having to walk the plank for this Movie Pirate.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BAYWATCH

We all know that PG-13 comedies don’t work anymore. That’s why every comedy I am thinking of that comes out this summer, like BAYWATCH, Rough Night, Girl’s Night Out, are all rated R. Can you think of the last PG-13 comedy that actually worked? We need the dick, fart & vagina jokes. The ones that are clever at least. There are some R rated comedies that don’t work though. You can have the dick, fart & vagina jokes, but they aren’t that clever, and the chemistry of the actors can’t be there. With this, the jokes are hit & miss, it kind of drags a little in the middle, but the chemistry of all the actors, especially Johnson and Efron, make this film a very perfect, if ultimately forgettable, perfect one time Netflix watch.

I was bringing up PG-13 comedies because if this was PG-13, it would’ve been absolutely awful. While the jokes hit or miss, the jokes that do work are completely raunchy and wouldn’t worked edited for TV. While I think the mainstream critics are right on some of their critiques of this film, they are being a little too harsh. This food is not awful at all, at least watchable, and somewhat entertaining. It actually has  a story, and the magic charisma that Dwayne Johnson brings to every film is here and it works very well, especially with Efron. In fact, all the characters here work. Daddario has great romantic chemistry with Efron, and Rohrbach has great chemistry with the fat kid. And I also like that the fat kid didn’t have to win her the entire movie, that she actually liked him the whole time and just needed to display a little confidence to get to the next stage in their romance.

Also, Chopra (who is the main lead in TV’s Quantico), although VERY underused, made a great villain. I haven’t seen an episode of Quantico, but here acting here works, I just wished they used her a little bit more. I loved all the different names Johnson was giving Efron the entire movie, especially one that will make you laugh really hard because of it’s directness. The thing that could’ve rocked this movie into greatness though was if it poked more fun at itself, kind of like how 21 and 22 Jump Street did. There are a couple of jokes of how lifeguard’s doing what they are doing in this film is kind of ridiculous, but it doesn’t take that joke to the next level, and instead becomes buries itself in the plot that doesn’t matter, and gets a little too serious for it’s source material.

I saw this at the Alamo Drafthouse, which always has a great 30 minute pre show with selected baffoonery that gets material from Youtube that relates to the film that is about to play. I saw a bunch of ridiculous shit from Baywatch over the years, and the pre show kind of got me really amped because I saw a bunch of opportunity to really kick the old ridiculous show in the balls while also being ridiculous in its own right. And like I said, there are a couple of jokes in their, but it doesn’t take any of them where they need to go. It really is a missed opportunity and will ultimately what will make the film kind of forgettable for me in the long run.

But the critics are wrong, this movie isn’t horrible at all. It’s the perfect Netflix watch late night with friends while drunk or (I’ve never even smoked a cigarette so I’m just guessing) high as fuck. The film kind of drags in the middle, and the action sequences could’ve been more planned out, ridiculous, and fun, are kind of tame. But the film ultimately keeps it out of being mediocre from the chemistry of the leads and the good jokes that stick the landing. And the film has one of the better blooper reels in the credits that I have seen in a really long time. You won’t miss anything by seeing this in the theater, but if you are bored on a long hot summer day and you don’t want to be in a crowded pool area, you could do a lot worse than seeing this film.

Zach (& Jennifer’s) Zany Movie (& other media) Memoribilia!

Hey Fellow Cubicle Escapee’s:

If you like our giveaway’s (which we will still be doing occasionally) for those that like and want movie memoribilia but don’t trust people that you don’t know and want better prices then look into Jen and I’s EBay pages as we will occasionally sell some cool movie and other media memorabilia and will get it to you wrapped up tight, fast, safe, and sound.

Jen’s EBay handle is volunteer_travel_girl27

My EBay handle is mrmovie1201AM

I, (Zach) Currently have two items for sale:




Thanks and keep going to the movies!

Zach A.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING

So when I first posted on my Facebook page that I was seeing EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING I had also posted an in depth prediction about what was going to happen in the movie. The question is: was my prediction correct? Well, I am not going to tell you, because either giving you a yes or a no, will spoil the film a little bit. So even though I can say this movie is quite predictable, I can only say that as a fact as I have seen wayyyyy too many movies and know how stuff like this is going to go and I actively search for it. A lot of audience members will be surprised by what goes on and what happens. But the real question is, how is it as a movie? It is honestly a cute little movie that is basically harmless that makes a very great film to go on a date with or Netflix and chill at home to. (And yes, I am insinuating that people will have sex after their date watching this film).

I don’t need to really get into the plot, because as someone I know so eloquently put it, “it’s basically Bubble Boy with much heavier dramatic themes.” Instead of a boy, it’s a girl, and instead of a bubble, it is a specially designed house that keeps the girl’s disease, severe combined immunodeficiency, from going haywire. A boy moves in next door, and they fall in love, making her more eager than ever to leave the house with him and risk her illness. I have to admit that it was nice the movie didn’t overstay it’s welcome and is a tight 95 minutes that doesn’t add any fluff or filler to make it longer.

Although I think the movie is predictable, it ultimately works because of the performances and chemistry between the two leads, Amandla Stenburg (Rue from The Hunger Games), and Nick Robinson (older kid in Jurassic World and The Kings of Summer). The conversations that they have with each other and their awkwardness feel real and not just reading off lines in a screenplay. When they text each other, instead of just showing the words on screen, the filmmakers choose a unique device in making them actually talk in a kind of fantasy like diner that the girl created a model of because she is an inspiring architect. Doing this throughout the film made the picture bring out emotions and feelings that as you know, just reading a text on screen could not convey.

Being a tight 95 minutes, I bet you the book goes into deeper things I would’ve liked to see a bit more of. Like the main character’s relationship with her nurse and the nurse’s daughter. It could’ve also dived into the main character’s relationship with her mother a little bit more and maybe had even shown the accident that took her brother and father away when she was a little girl. Kind of want to read the book now because I feel it would’ve complimented the movie well to give more weight to ‘everything.’

But this movie does has it’s charms, and works a lot better than some of the other dramas like this that try and force feed you feelings without being emotionally earned. The movie earns all of this with good dialogue, performances, and creatively showing us them texting each other than just the texts on screen. If the movie hadn’t done that at all, this film would’ve just been lost in the romantic crowd. Another thing is I wish it would’ve been a little bit more unpredictable. I really wish I could go into spoilers explaining how it could’ve. But once you’ve seen the movie you will know exactly what I meant. There are a couple of places this movie could’ve gone and had plenty of opportunities to take us there. But ultimately, you have to blame the book for that, since I heard this is a pretty close adaptation. So…I guess the author is to blame for that? If I could talk to the author, I would say you have a great story, you just need to take some risks, and here is how.