Tag Archives: The Cubicle Escapee

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE DARK TOWER

**warning no spoilers will be given, but I have read all 8 books**

Let’s pretend this book adaptation is a fictional cake replica making contest. In front of Sony executives is two tables, one already has a beautiful, majestic, gorgeous, 8 tiered tower Dark Black Wedding Cake . The other table is empty but next to it is a kitchen filled with every single ingredient you need to try and replicate that cake to the best of your abilities. You have about a decade to replicate this cake. And go! Instead of even going into the kitchen, the Sony executives walk up to the empty table, take their dicks out, and flop them menacingly on the table, and shout, “Here is your cake assholes!” That, ladies and gentlemen, is THE DARK TOWER film adaptation.

I have read all 8 Stephen King novels that have The Dark Tower in the title or relates directly to it. I have read every single Stephen King novel in existence, all the ones that indirectly reference The Dark Tower in some way. So you may say there was no way to please me, especially since I know every nook and cranny of Stephen King’s fictional universe. That isn’t necessarily true. There are plenty of books that are very nice companions with their movies: Jurassic Park, The Lord of the Rings, Angels & Demons to name a few. Even the worst adaptations, like Percy Jackson, every single Twilight film, etc. have some light in the shitty mess of a darkness that plagues my mind to no end. With The Dark Tower film, there isn’t even a shred of light, it is completely devoid of soul.

And I even had half my mind set away to view the movie as a film lover who had never read any of the novels, let alone a Stephen King book, and even then I thought the film had no soul. The film is a 95 minute circle jerk where too many powers at be were arguing on what the adaptation should contain and should not contain. Should we cater to an audience who has never read any of the books or should this book be fan service? Even though I think The Dark Tower series is unfilmable and should just be a movie in a constant readers mind, I do feel that there was a way to do both. Nope, all that is tossed completely out the window for a new story that completely strips away most elements of the novels and takes only a handful of service thing to speak to a general audience in general terms.

Thinking like everyone else, this should’ve been a HBO or Showtime series, doing each book in a 8 to 10 episode arc, for seven to eight seasons, and then walk away. You can’t do The Dark Tower in 95 minutes. It is impossible. Even as a movie for a general audience, the film is soulless and rushed. There is no character development, no time to develop relationships. The journey is too compact, with no time to breathe. They say that this new film is supposed to be a sequel to the books (don’t worry, I don’t reveal much here just speak in briskly in code), with Roland possessing the Horn of Eld at the beginning of the film. Okay, that’s fine…WHERE IS THE FUCKING HORN? Oh, is that a horn on Roland’s backpack? Okay…thanks for barely showing it to us…

The only thing that is good about the film is the casting. Idris Elba (even though Roland is supposed to be white in the books, because his race is a plot point in later novels with a character that was not introduced here, but like Johnny Storm in rebooted Fantastic Four, I could honestly care less) is a good (could’ve been great if they dialogue was not shitty) Roland, Matthew McConahalright alright alright was a pretty good Men In Black (would’ve been great with a better screenplay) and the kid that plays Jake Chambers was good as well.  They aren’t even much of characters though, because like I said, the compacted 95 minutes lets no time for the movie to find any kind of footing. The acting is the best thing about the film, everything else is complete and utter garbage.

The film feels like a cheap Sci-Fi Channel made for television movie. The effects suck, the production design sucks, the direction and action sucks, just a big bowl of What The Fuck soup. I could nitpick the differences between series and film adaptations all day (such as the portal doors being too futuristic and not just a cool little wooden door in the middle of nowhere) but I’m not going to do that here because my review would be novel size long. But there is one thing that I want to talk about, because it effects my dislike for the film the most. The fact that they take the center of attention of the story away from Roland and put it on Jake Chambers. The Dark Tower is and was always supposed to be Roland’s story with supporting characters helping him along the way. Taking it away from him (Idris doesn’t even show up until 15 minutes into the film) is a crime beyond all imagination. They could’ve still told their new awful story with Jake still being a side character, but nope, general audience are likely to connect with a kid and not Roland (not true if you’ve read the books.)

Why am I still writing? What I really should be doing is starting to re read all 8 novels and form my own perfect movie in my mind and forget this abomination ever exists. I pray that Stephen King’s IT adaptation is better (the R rating and 2 hr 15 minutes runtime helps, and the fact that it is only part 1 of 2; Dark Tower is a shitty PG-13) but now I’m going to enter IT being cautiously optimistic after this apocalypse. This is literally a shit cake, with barely some sprinkles of fan service on top, where the sprinkles ultimately get sucked into the shit frosting, never to be seen again. The Dark Tower is one of the worst films of the year and the worst adaptation of Stephen King’s work, even Maximum Overdrive. Good riddance.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: KIDNAP

We will get to the travesty of The Dark Tower in a moment, but my real first question is what happened to Halle Berry’s career? She won an Oscar for Monster’s Ball, and had some minor success as Storm in the X-Men films, but she went off and did Catwoman, Gothika, The Call, Perfect Stranger, Movie 43, and you see what I’m getting at now don’t ya? I actually think she is quite a talented actress. And she’s really the only really really bright spot in KIDNAP, a movie that was filmed 3 years ago and should’ve been a Netflix original. It feels like a Netflix film, with low production value, a quick runtime, and just enough cheese to not warrant a theatrical release, but here it is. It’s a decent Netflix watch, but a very mediocre way to spend your box office bucks. At least I enjoyed it more than The Dark Tower.

Also, why in the fucking fuck is this film Rated R? I just used two F words to prove a point. I have now said fuck twice more now than the movie used, and the film has less violence than 10 seconds in one episode of The Walking Dead. Maybe they thought they would have a bunch of teenagers having heart attacks in the theater if they rated it PG-13? No clue, but this isn’t rated R at all, in fact, there were 10 to 16 year olds in the theater asking the same questions once the movie let out.

Plot? Kidnappers kidnap Halle Berry’s child and she witnesses it and as a determined mother she actually goes after the kidnappers before she loses sight of them. That’s it. There are no plot twists (they try and sneak a stupid meaningless one at the very end) an the criminals are dumb, cut and dry, country over the top redneck, and unmemorable. At least the movie doesn’t really waste anytime getting everything moving, but a lot of the movie is Halle Berry sitting in a car looking worried and stressed out, which she does very well.

The criminals make dumb decisions, Halle Berry makes dumb decisions, the filmmakers make dumb decisions, the action is cheap and hackneyed. Look, you’ve seen this film a million times, and done a million different better ways. It isn’t unwatchable, in fact it kept my attention, but this film isn’t anything special and you’ll forget it exists in 3 days. But why is Halle Berry choosing these scripts? She is so much better than this material, we’ve seen it, and we see it here. She looks like she is still in her 30s (she’s 50) and can act her way out of a paper bag, is it that Hollywood doesn’t want to give her anything else? Is she hard to work with? *shrugs*

The film didn’t kidnap my time. I don’t regret watching it, I just wish I had on Netflix and not spent what I pay for Netflix in a month in a 82 minute period. It doesn’t waste anytime at least and there aren’t any slow parts. Honestly, I would probably be shitting all over this film if it weren’t for having to sit through an adaptation of one of my favorite books royally shit on. Netflix only, don’t spend your money.

Tompkin’s School: For the Dearly Departed by Tabi Slick

Tompkin’s School: For the Dearly Departed
by Tabi Slick
Genre: YA Paranormal/Dark Fantasy
Release Date: August 2nd 2017

Summary:

 Visions of the past, powers beyond belief, and a school that has been waiting for them for over a hundred years. Kain and Izara’s abilities have advanced far greater than they ever imagined possible and it’s all due to their new friend that has joined them. This year will bring the Torvik twins closer to solving the mystery of who they are, why they have these powers, and even closer to unveiling the school’s most haunting secret.

The lights of the Artesian Hotel flickered as the party drew on into the night. I saw Bart Bessler dancing with Mary, and the bright, dazzling yellow eyes of the French, red-headed woman as she drew in the light around her. I shivered at the sight of the wolf-man killing one of the intruders that night they had chained Bart to the ground.“Destiny of beings is about to come to fruition,” the voice of the being’s human companion rang in my ear.The scene turned to liquid and then I saw Izzy standing in front of me.“You know his face,” a voice that didn’t belong to my sister bellowed from within her.I will return….I will return to my children.

 

My whole body writhed in pain as the voice filled my head.

Buy on Amazon!

 

**Tompkin’s School: For the Dearly Departed in the 2nd book in the Tompkin’s School trilogy but each read as a standalone.**
Previous book in the series (click on image for Goodreads link):
 

 

 

 

 

About the Author
Tabi Slick was born in Kansas and grew up in the country where she was homeschooled for the greater part of her childhood. In middle school, her family moved to Davis Oklahoma where she attended public school for several years. Here she began her writing adventure and soon the world of Tompkin’s Academy came to life. After graduating from high school in 2008, she spent a few years in Puerto Rico and wound up in Texas where she graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Linguistics from the University of Texas at Arlington. She was born with an immense appreciation for literature and continues to dedicate her time to her passion of writing.

Author Links:

     



GIVEAWAY:
a Rafflecopter giveaway

 

Seven Threads: A Book of Short Stories by Jason Atkinson

Book Details:

Book Title: Seven Threads: A Book of Short Stories
Author: Jason Atkinson
Category: Adult Fiction, 151 pages
Genre: Thriller and Suspense
Publisher: Mascot Books
Release date: July 4 , 2017
Tour dates: July 10 to 28, 2017
Content Rating: PG

Book Description:

In this collection of seven short stories from Jason Atkinson, follow a man accused of murder, a runaway girl on a train, a scientist at the heart of a government conspiracy, and more! Full of twists and turns, Seven Threads offers a selection of fast-paced stories full of heart and excitement.

Buy the Book:

 


 

 
 

 

Meet the Author:


Jason Atkinson lives in the Midwest with his wife and son. With a love of writing, this is his 3rd book, but first book in the fiction category. Short stories are easy to digest, and yet, this book still provides all the joys for the long haul reader. Jason write for everyone in mind when creating this piece and hopes you will enjoy it as much as he did when writing it.

Connect with the author: Website ~ Facebook

Enter the Giveaway!
Ends Aug 5

a Rafflecopter giveaway