Tag Archives: The Cubicle Escapee

Bad Netflix: To Rome: With Love

I was interested in this film mostly due to the fact it was set in Rome but after watching omg it was like pulling teeth.

Also CLEARLY a lot of actors must owe Woody Allen A favor.

Essentially this is a movie about 4 different stories that have absolutely nothing in common except the are based in Rome. The story involving Alec Baldwin was the only one that made me curious as to what was going on so that is why I continued to watch.

That being said if you are wanting a movie where you can see the Roman landmarks this movie is for you. I did enjoy seeing the scenery I just wish there was better stories.

So why post this on my blog? I promise to post as much as I can about books and movies set in a specific place and this one was in Rome so I am sharing with you.


Well, that is the absolute last time I finish and publish my Worst of List before it hits 12:01 am on 1/1/whateverthefuck. Because if I could go and re do it, HANDSOME: A NETFLIX MYSTERY MOVIE would be close to the top of my worst of 2017 list and maybe even given mother! a run for its money. This film is probably the worst thing Netflix Original Programming has ever put out. I have seen worse things on Netflix, however they didn’t produce the worse stuff that I’ve seen, just some old “catalogue straight to video along time ago movies” that Netflix probably got cheap to put on their platform. This film ultimately just baffles me. It baffles me how Jeff Garlin, a comedian I love on The Goldbergs and Curb Your Enthusiasm, co-wrote, directed, and starred in this piece of shit. It baffles me how I was bored on a short hour and 21 minute run time. It baffles me how the movie isn’t even a mystery at all because of some stupid thing the movie does right before it goes to opening credits. It’s the most baffling piece of shit film of 2017 (not 2018).

The film, in its very first scene before the official credits roll, has one of the actors of the film introduce himself, and he says that he plays the killer in the movie. What I thought of as a nice little rouse and what may have been a joke to lure the audience off track…turns out…nope. That guy is the killer, he’s telling the truth. Was it supposed to be funny? The point of a fucking mystery/detective movie is for the audience to guess who, what, where, when, and why. If you reveal it at the beginning, you are showing the audience all of your cards, so why do you expect them to care about the rest of the film. Usually when a film reveals the killer, it still may offer some nice twists and turns and ultimately gives you a reason why they didn’t keep the killer a mystery. Not here. There isn’t anything else offered. No twists, turns, or laughs.

The film is about a detective that tries to make sense of his life and those around him while trying to solve crimes. A chopped up woman corpse ends up in the front yard of a celebrity, and he’s on the case. It sounds generic right? Well it is. The film tries to go for awkward, weird, dead-pan comedy, and it just doesn’t work. I didn’t laugh once. Did Jeff Garlin feel like this was funny when he was writing this? He must’ve been the only one, I don’t even think Netflix read the script, just green lit it because they got original programming from the guy that is always fantastic on The Goldbergs and Curb Your Enthusiasm. I mean they basically follow the go to book of detective comedy that has been done too many times before. Detectives having sex with suspects jokes, cops are fat jokes, red herring jokes, cops boss being mean but really being sexually attracted to them jokes, the works. None of it works, and even though I have a stop button on my controller, I decided to stick it to the end to write this review.

What disappoints me is that I saw several ways the mystery could go to make it a little bit interesting and I could partially forgive the stupid comedy. But it doesn’t take any. It takes that scene from the very beginning of the actor that says he is the killer in the movie, and makes it so, rendering the whole experience absolutely pointless. The direction is boring point and shoot drivel. The acting sucks, with Natasha Lyonne as Jeff Garlin’s partner not giving a shit anymore. Only Garlin’s next door neighbor Christine Woods brings any type of humanity to the film. Usually I write about six paragraphs per movie review, but I’m so fed up with this movie that I’m stopping right about…now.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: MAYHEM

So I watched a film the other day that was released really limited in November, hence no theatres were showing it nearby, hence didn’t get around to it till now thats its out on home disc. MAYHEM is basically Office Space meets  Battle Royale meets The Walking Dead meets The Belko Experiment, which is funny because it stars Steven Yeun, who played Glenn on The Walking Dead. It’s about a virus that spreads throughout this office complex that causes the employees there to act out their wildest impules…which namely means violence and beating and killing the utter shit out of each other. It’s a pretty cool, violent, entertaining as hell, funny, and a tight 90 minutes you are likely to even enjoy on repeat viewings. It rings in the new year with a bloody bang.

Steven Yeun stars as a elite executive who works in this law office complex, and he is fired for something he didn’t do. Right before security is about to boot his ass out, a quarantine by the government hits the building, and he has 8 hours before the cure can be fully pumped into the buildings systems and take effect on people to go all the way up to the top and place revenge on the people that were sending him to the unemployment line. The plot isn’t complicated for this film, and it isn’t meant to be complicated. It sets everything up to make a plausible and fun way to watch people beat and kill each other in interesting fashion.

The villains are cookie cutter here, but in a good way. They are introduced quickly and efficiently with only one real personality: for the audience to hate them so much that you cannot wait for them to be butchered and maimed for the masses. The movie even takes some cool approaches, having part of the film be what Molly’s Game is the entire time, being a narrator “show and tell” type of experience. Yeun is almost in every frame, he tells the audience how it is in the building and who does what, and you feel for him, so by the time he goes bug nuts crazy for revenge, you want him to have it and it puts a smile on your face when you get it.

Steven Yeun has never been better. He had acting chops on The Walking Dead, but this film really tests his range, and he passes with flying colors. The true though standout in this film though, an actress that is going to have a huge career based off of this and The Babysitter (check it out on Netflix, it is great and she is the best part of it), would be Samara Waving (niece of Hugo Weaving, who plays Agent Smith in The Matrix films). She steals every scene she is in. She plays a client that Steven Yeun has to reject from keeping her house after the inability to pay. When her and Yeun join forces is when the movie really picks up and is utterly fantastic. She has that range of crazy that you would think she couldn’t up the ante of it in each and every following scene, but she does it effortlessly. She’s worth the price of a rental alone.

The whole movie is worth the price of a rental. The kills are awesome and the revenge is a great cold dish. It’s even worth the $8 buy I got for it on a daily deal on Amazon. I would totally watch this film again and again. It is just bloody fun, even more so than The Belko Experiment was. I think these films are made because everybody in a office setting has probably imagined beating the shit out of one of their annoying co-workers. This movie lets you escape reality without committing a utterly horrible and terrible crime. We can enjoy it while breathing a sigh of relief that we get to avoid utter mayhem in real life.


2018 Goals

In traditional fashion it is time for my for my annual”what I want to accomplish in the next year” post.  These are always funny to me because to be frank, I rarely accomplish half the crap I say I will mostly because I have a serious case of shiny object syndrome and change my mind as quick as the weather in Texas (which by the way it was 12 degrees yesterday… I mean the hell?).

That being said I do have some ideas that I would like to tackle and if I am able to I will.  If I do accomplish them the year will be pretty outstanding but if I don’t it will still be fun to reflect on my crazy notions.

Some of these goals are reaching but it will be fun to see what happens.

So without further ado my goals

  1. I would like to visit 5-8 new countries next year.    

My reasoning behind this is I am trying to make it to 40 countries before I am 40.  This is a pretty big bucket list goal.  I am 35 and I have 5 years left.   In order to hit my goal I need to visit 5.8 (like I can visit an eighth of a country lol)  countries a year until I am 40.    I currently have ideas for a few easy and quick trips.   Hopefully I can pull them off.     Wish me luck.

2. Read 250 books this year. 

I am back to commuting so the beauty of that is I can listen to a lot of audio books.   I love stories so I am not sure if this is even remotely feasible but I will try.

3. Read a book set in every South American & Caribbean Country.

It is no secret I love books set in destinations.  I have already read a book set in every state and Central American country, so it only makes sense to finish off the Western hemisphere.

4.  Save 6k.  

Yes while I am still planning on traveling as much as I can I do have a goal to teach abroad.  6k is my “willing to leave at anytime goal” and I do plan on saving it this year.   This will leave 2019 for me to save more and travel as much of the Western Hemisphere as I can.   I would like to be pretty much done with this part of the world when I move to Asia.   Call me ambitious. 😉

5. Pay off my car. 

Part of moving abroad plan is to be able to sell my car, that being said I would really like to not have a car payment in 2019 as that will allow me save the majority of my income.  So I am going to be very aggressive with my car this year.

6.  Pay off my toll debt

Groans.  I don’t think I need to explain this.

7.  Start my YouTube channel. 

I don’t know this seems fun, I mean internet trolls can be jerks but you know I think it would be fun to make videos of places I visit.

So there you go my goals for the New Year.  What are your goals?