Everyone has a best friend. That person you can always count on to be there when no one else will. That person who is involved in nearly every funny story you will ever tell. There is nothing I could write about my relationship with my best friend that most of you reading this have never experienced. However, I have one question. Has your best friend ever tried to kill you?
Yeah, I didn’t think so…
Now you must be asking yourself; “How did he try to kill you? Did he try to shoot you? Stab you? Run you over with a car?” If those are your guesses, you are all wrong. His weapon of choice was much more devious, a tool used only by the most legendary of master assassins . It was this:
Yep, that’s right; common everyday household Miracle Whip. No grenades, guns or throwing stars, all he needed was some mayo.
Now before I get in to the specifics of this dastardly attempt on my life, let me first provide you with a bit of back story. My best friend is a fellow named Ricky, and he and I(as well as several others in our circle) are Magic: the Gathering players (if you don’t know what that is, Google it because i’m not going to explain it to you) who often travel to play in big tournaments in different parts of the U.S. Most often, the precursor to one of these events is a giant sleepover at someone’s house the night before. Now all of us had our own homes/apartments with plenty of room to accommodate 7 or 8 people sleeping over, Ricky on the other hand, had a small one bedroom apartment, so naturally we all crashed there. Seems logical right?
Now the running joke at Ricky’s house was “If you are hungry, go to sleep” because Ricky never had food, seriously. His fridge looked brand new because there was never anything in it. Looking back on it, he was a genius because as much as we crashed there, his grocery bill would have been outrageous. But that’s enough back story, what you really want to read about is how this jerk tried to end me.
It was April, and myself and about 6 other friends of ours were at Ricky’s and as per our pre Magic Tournament ritual, we had turned Ricky’s apartment in to a flop house the night before. I started getting hungry early in the evening, so naturally I went to sleep early. I woke up the next day hungrier then I had ever been in my entire life. I had to find something to eat, so I ventured in to the kitchen knowing in the back of my mind that it would all be for naught as Ricky never had food, but my stomach was eating itself and by god I had to try! As I round the corner in to the kitchen, something catches my eye. Thinking that this must be a mirage and hunger had finally driven me mad, I rubbed my eyes and looked again.
But it was still there……It was bread, and next to that bread….Was a bag of Doritos!!!!
Had it happened? Had Ricky done the one thing that I thought impossible? Had he actually grocery shopped?
In my glee, I rushed to the refrigerator and flung the door open and as the light from the fridge hit me, I swear I heard angels sing, because there lay my shiny beacon of hungry hope, a package of lunchmeat, some sliced cheese and nice shiny jar of Miracle Whip. I then proceeded to make the fastest sandwich ever recorded. Seriously, check Guiness, I’m sure its there…No? Well whatever, back to the story. Ricky didnt have any plates so I had to improvise and put the chips on my sandwich kind of like a lunch pail big mac. I took my concoction in to the living room, clicked on the TV and started chowing down. Let me tell you, this sandwich was the greatest sandwich I have ever eaten, you could live your whole life and never have sandwich this good. As I’m eating the last bite, Ricky emerges from his bedroom and starts to head to the kitchen, and the following conversation takes place:
Ricky: “Oh, I see you found the sandwich stuff”
Me: “Yeah man, I was so surprised to see you had stuff to eat, I mean you had bread, cheese, chips, and even mayonnaise!”
As that last sentence left my mouth Ricky stops, turns and looks at me and says 3 words that I never thought could petrify me to near tears. Scarier than “It’s your baby” or “It’s probably herpes”. The three words were: “I had mayonnaise?” My face immediately went pale and we just stared at each other. In my mind i’m begging, no I’m pleading with him to start laughing or to tell me he was kidding, but it never came. I just stared at him, and he stared right back at me. Once I could will my body to move, I got up and made my way to the kitchen. Along the way I swear one of my friends woke up long enough to yell “Dead man walkin!”. I opened the fridge and grabbed the shiny white instrument of my demise and began looking it over intently while mumbling “Where is it, where is it?”. Then I found what I had been looking for. The expiration date. February, 1999…….Remember how I said this story takes place in April? Well it did. …. April of 2004.
I had just eaten 5 year old mayonnaise.
I began to tingle all over as my body began to transform. I developed mayonnaise based super powers and have since used them to fight crime and bring peace to the world!
I have a confession to make, I may have made the part about me developing super powers up. In reality, nothing happened, I didn’t even get sick. On a side note, there was supposed to be a picture there, but do you know how hard it is to find a picture of mayonnaise wearing a cape? I mean cmon internet, I can find a picture of a hamster with a pancake on its head but I couldn’t find that? Jeez.
The only lingering side effect is that I check dates on everything religiously now, even though its been 11 years, I still do it. So if I’m ever raiding your fridge, don’t get offended if I check the dates on your stuff, Because in my mind, its a matter of life and death and you can blame this guy for that:
So what happened between me and Ricky afterward? Did he become my arch nemesis? Did I plot my revenge?? Nah, we are still friends to this day. But I have cooler friends.
Love ya man.