Finding happiness isn’t always easy

I don’t know if many of you noticed last year but my posts were mostly about books or book promotions.  I had a very bad year.  I have spent many years living to please others and go out of my way to make others happy, that by time mid 2016 rolled around I was a complete and utter mess.   2016 was a disaster… I have great memories from the year… but on a very personal level I truly let my life get out of control.

The following post is going to be pretty personal, but it is needed in order to move my life forward and start living the life of my dreams.

in 2016, I was massively in debt, loosing sleep over some very dire life choices.  I was in a job that I fell into almost a decade prior and hated and to put it simply I was very disenchanted with life.   I had boss that hated me and made it a point to make my life miserable all because I made a comment about not answering a call because I was overwhelmed and could not handle it at that time.  I paid for that one comment the following two years, and really paid for it in 2016.

To get started this post is stemming from the fact that my family thinks I don’t have my life in control.  The irony of that statement is that my life has not been in control for many years.  All because I want to try and travel as much as possibly can before I go to law school which hopefully if all goes according to plan will be fall of 2018.    I do in fact live with my parents, I am currently working 2 part time jobs to help pay my bills.  I have taken on debt mitigation & well just had to buy a car thanks to the fact that my convertible’s engine blew.   It hasn’t been easy but I have managed.   From an outsider’s POV I am pretty sure they would feel I have lost control of my life too.

So yeah, I guess when you put it like that I might not seem like I have my life in control.  In fact, I know many of my friends and people reading this might be thinking oh sweet sweet child you need to get it together.

Here is thing, I have never felt more alive in my life.   Here are a few things I have noticed about myself since I decided it was time for some very drastic changes in life.

  1.  I no longer count calories or worry about eating too much ice cream.  Before, every single calorie I would eat I would think great this is why I am constantly gaining weight.   I don’t do that anymore.  I for the first time in my life am comfortable with my body and food.
  2. If I want to go somewhere I no longer rely on credit to pay for it.  When you go through debt mitigation they close your accounts.  Yes it does suck and it does hit your credit for a bit, but you know what if I want to go to Cuba, I have to do it the old fashion way.  Save.  It makes me value how I spend money.  I am finding I put purses back now, I rarely eat fast food & truth be told I make sure everything I buy is multi-functional.  I have embraced minimalism and honestly if it doesn’t make me happy, I don’t need it.   In fact, I would go as far as to say that I don’t really think about stuff anymore.  If I see something I like I will buy it but it has to have a function.  
  3. I value relationships with people.  So before, I was such a mess that I often didn’t call when I said I would, would flake out on functions or hell ignore phone calls.  Now I focus on being around people that are positive and truly make me feel happy.  People, that I can enjoy being around who are not so negative.
  4. I enjoy moments now.  Before, I would have one bad call at work and my day would be ruined.  I would let this carry into the night and quite frankly I lost a lot of days because I was too “upset” over one bad call
  5. I can handle a lot alone.  Now this might sound sad… but it isn’t.  I learned last year, that I can truly count on myself and I am responsible for my happiness.  I have to be willing to be happy and not focused on stuff I can’t control.  I can handle everything alone and if I have someone I can rely on then my life is that much better.  If I get myself into a situation then I can get myself out of it.  It is empowering.

 

I have learned that I am a strong spirit and that I can truly over come anything if I fight for it.  I still struggle with some of the things that are said to me.  I don’t like that my family thinks I am deadbeat that lives in a fantasy world… but I know it is because ultimately my life style choices are not normal.   I am at the point that I rather spend my extra pennies on plane tickets instead of purses and fast food.  Now I am not knocking you if that is what you want to buy, life is about making the choices you need to MAKE YOU HAPPY I have just realized that memories are truly my motivator.

Being happy has been a challenge I had to do a lot of horrible things the past 6 months and sadly I have hurt people I cared about.  I hurt a lot of people actually, I had to cut ties with people, I had to come clean about many lies I told.  I had to do a lot of self growth and well I grew up in the process.  Granted I know I am not living the life of a typical 34 year old but I am living a life that makes me happy.

If I can be happy I promise you can too… IT takes work and it doesn’t always come easy.   I am also starting to realize how judgmental people are because I rather travel than shop and that hurts, because I truly try to not judge anyone.  Unfortunately, the people with the most words to say I feel would not be saying anything if I was out shopping with them every weekend instead.    People tend to judge the people not like them I learned that recently.

Anyway, I know this post is a hodge podge of emotion but I am pretty emotional as I write it because I just realized that there are people out there that I will never make happy and I have to learn to accept that but at the end of the day I have to do what makes me happy.    For example, the photo below… It was on accident.  I thought I had the camera set to take a slow mo image of the ruins so I could try some nifty special effects, but I got this shot instead….that smile is pure joy… and I try everyday to find something in the day that makes me smile that way… cause happiness is something everyone in this world deserves.

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